I began embracing "queer" as a gender and sexual identity about 2 years ago, when my best friend/ex-girlfriend Crunchy Goth began seeing a cisgendered, heterosexual man, whom I will affectionately dub Captain Cucumber. While we had both slept with men before, well after we had come out as lesbians, neither of us had ever had a relationship with one while facing the queer community. She and I both knew the nasty connotation that the word "bisexual" carried for the LGBT community, and it just didn't fit well. The term "bisexual" is not a kind thing to call someone in the queer female community; it's one of those words that conjures up a whole slew of other thoughts in the minds of those who hear it. If I said the word "apple" to you, you may think of the color red, or green if you prefer Granny Smith apples. You may think of the way your mouth waters when you bite into one, or that time Timmy Fitzgivens stuffed apples in his pants and exclaimed that his balls were growing out of control. My point is, certain words inspire vivid thoughts to be associated with them. "Bisexual" conjures ruminations about things like Katy Perry's insipid song about women dabbling in homosexuality, while they already have a boyfriend. In this instance, it makes light of a very real issue in the queer female world...being treated like a novelty by the heterosexual world. Lesbians and queer women are often either dismissed as a joke or used for sexual stimulation by the media at large; think about virtually every "lesbian" porn you have ever seen. (Not the Crashpad Series. I'm talking about the porn where the girls have really long hair, really long nails, wear pearls and heels and aren't opposed to letting a guy step in.) Bisexual women, in more civic-minded circles, are also dubbed "patient zero" for the lesbian community from a public health point of view. They are considered gateways to STDs, as they sleep with men *and* women. Stereotypes surrounding the word "bisexual" make it synonymous with other words, like "trouble" and "drama." From what I've gathered, most queer women would rather be left for another woman than for a man; in some circles, it's considered a high insult to be left for a guy.
Disclaimer: Having two ex-girlfriends who began dating men almost immediately after we broke up, I have fought that battle. I know the pain and inexplicable shame involved in shaking the cisgendered, heterosexual guy's hand who's banging my ex-girlfriend. I've endured my other queer female friends teasing me about it, how I'm the last stop on the train to Straightland for my exes. There have also been nasty words created for these bisexual souls who happen to be with men now, like "hasbians." This is not only hurtful to me, but a very unfair way to define these women; you don't just "turn straight" anymore than you suddenly "turn gay." Gender and sexuality are fluid, and sometimes people just happen to love each other regardless of gender. What is gender but a mental expression of a biological endowment?
Bottom line...identifying as "bisexual" isn't much fun in some queer spaces, and it can be really hard to be with one, as well as deal with the fallout of breaking up with one. So CG and I decided to reclaim "queer", as it's an all-encompassing word for the whole of the LGBT community. It gets the point across that we don't identify as exclusively heterosexual or homosexual, and that we don't intend to.
That's where the title of this blog comes from, and I'm sure, a recurring theme of anything I write on it.
