I have something I have to write about, and it's about a very divisive issue. It's possibly one of the most controversial viewpoints I have, and one that I'm the most passionate about.
Marriage discrimination. But it isn't just that I believe in marriage equality; of course I feel that anyone of a consenting age should be allowed to marry. Multiple times, even, if that's your thing. Where the true controversy comes is how I feel about my heterosexual, cisgendered peers getting legally married in the face of my not having the legal right to do so.
Before I dive into this, let me acknowledge some things. I shop at Target and Wal-Mart, use Microsoft products, own an iPod and am fond of iTunes. This is considered high-treason by some of my more radical queer brothers and sisters, as the primary way to let our voices be heard is through what we call "the queer dollar." The queer community has a lot of disposable income, and while companies may not respond to the cause of equality, they certainly respond to the cause of capitalism. When queers boycott companies in response to egregious violations of equality, companies feel it. I did boycott Target for six months in response to their anti-gay donations in 2010, and admired Lady Gaga for her rigid stance this past March when she found they were still making those donations. I use these companies, albeit not often, because no company spends money on purely pro-gay causes; they certainly don't hire only pro-queer employees or sell to only pro-queer customers. No company sells only products that are made by pro-queer manufacturers. I'm a careful shopper, but not a strictly queer one. I also use these companies because I'm not rich, and can't grocery shop exclusively according to the HRC Buyer's Guide, which is considered one of the foremost authorities on queer-friendly shopping. Trust, if I could shop at Whole Foods for everything I need, who has an HRC rating of 85, I would not buy cat litter from Wal-Mart, who scores a trifling 40 on that same report. (Target, for the record, also scores an 85.) However, that is not my fiscal reality. What I try to do is limit my use of these companies, but I won't avoid them altogether. Can I? Yes. Would it make my life easier? I have no idea. I don't believe corporate contributions have the same power as grass roots movements, which is where my true opinion comes in on marriage equality.
First, why does marriage equality matter? Because it's the last big game-changer, and so much is wrapped up in marital rights. Legally speaking, it's the last civil right the government will not give queer folks, and it's the most important. There are "1,138 benefits, rights and protections granted on the basis of marital status in Federal law." They include tax breaks, benefit protections and inheritance rights, which are privileges so fundamental, most heterosexual couples don't even realize they take them for granted.
FACT: There is no commitment queer people can make to earn them the same rights and protections as their cisgendered, heterosexual counterparts. Commitment ceremonies are not recognized by any legal authority. Civil unions are also not equal to legal marriage in terms of protections/privileges recognized by local or federal governments.
OPINION: I believe that queer folks not being able to marry keeps us socially in the ghetto. Not only does the rest of the world not take our relationships as seriously, we are kept in a state of perpetual adolescence by never being able to solemnize our relationships the way our heterosexual counterparts are.
As a service to my community, to myself, I do not attend legalized marriages. I would not eat at a restaurant, drink from a water fountain or attend a theater that did not permit my friends to eat, drink or be entertained with me. When I explain this, even to my most radical of queer friends, they cringe. We all have loved ones in our lives who are getting married, and some of us are even being asked to stand in ceremonies. To ask someone to not participate in this fundamental celebration of love and life is a lot to ask of people, so I don't ask anything. I choose, instead, to not attend marriages. It excludes and oppresses my community. It excludes and oppresses me.
I know my not attending weddings will not change laws; that's why I take the time to explain why I don't. It's because I need people to understand how much we are suffering by not having the same treatment and liberties as heterosexual citizens. Hopefully, the conversation will be furthered by this simple action; when someone asks "Where's Thea?," I hope someone says "She doesn't attend weddings."
And then, just maybe, a conversation will begin. Maybe more queers will join me in this stand against friendly fire...because an ally participating in something that discriminates against their friends isn't just counter-intuitive. It's hurtful.
If you won't stand with me, for whatever reason, then just respect why I stand where I stand. And I'll respect you, too.
Love makes a family. Marriage defends it. End marriage discrimination.
